Is Sleeping in Separate Rooms a Problem?

I recently contributed to an article in the Washington Post (link to article here) which posed the question, “What does it mean for a couple when they decide to sleep in separate rooms?” For many people the initial reaction is that this spells trouble for a couple. Why would a loving happy couple not want to sleep together? There are numerous reasons why a couple may choose to sleep in separate rooms either from time to time or on a regular basis. For some of the couples I work with the demands of a work schedule mean one partner may need to go to bed or get up earlier than another partner. For other couples the demands of parenting and a child’s sleep schedule mean they may need to start or end the night in different places. And of course there are issues related to noise, temperature and other sleep hygiene related concerns that make it hard for one or both partners to sleep with the other.

What surprises most people however is that there are nearly no studies or evidence that suggest couples who sleep in different rooms or beds have higher rates or divorce or less satisfying relationships than other couples. In fact there is some data that shows that couples who prioritize sleep and transparently communicate needs have more fulfilling and connected relationships.

What I emphasized in the Washington Post piece is that couples can negotiate nearly any aspect of their relationship and make agreements or decisions that support their well being and it is the very practice of that negotiation that determines the health of the relationship not what they are negotiating. So if you have a relational need make it known, ask for what you need and hear from your partner how it will impact them while looking for common ground and emphasizing the need to care for each other.